The Lost Episode
by faerie2713
Summary: Typical P&F format, but uncensored, how I think everyone might behave if the show didn't air on Disney...no sexual weirdness, rating strictly for language...my first fanfic, please review? pretty please :


"Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!"

Ferb, muttered, under his breath "Big fucking surprise...did you ask me what I want to do today? Of course not!"

"What was that bro?-hey, where's Perry?"

doo bee doo bee doo bah...

"Agent P, thank goodness you're here! Our Patriot Act wire tapping and surveillance contract on Dr. Doofenshmirtz just expired and we have no idea what he's up to-go over there and check it out!" Major Monogram spoke urgently as he delivered Perry's orders, but just as he was about to sign off, a rather nasally voice chimed in-

"But, Major Monogram sir, isn't that profiling and violating Dr. Doofenshmirtz right to privacy?"

"War is hell, Carl!"

"But sir, we're not at war with Doof-"

"Shut up Carl! Do you really give a shit about some German scientist's civil liberties? Is he even a citizen?"

"But, Major Monogram sir...I...just..."

"Shut up Carl. Go on, Agent P. Good luck, we're all counting on you! You know what to do"

**music starts** "Carl! He works the camera, Carl! he knows what all those buttons do...He's Carl, the intern!"

"CARL!"

"Sorry, Major Monogram sir, I forgot I had that CD in...go on Agent P"

**music starts again" doo bee doo bee doo bah AGENT P!

Perry salutes, and is off to Doof's lair.

Meanwhile, at Phineas and Ferb's-

"Ugh, Stacy! Phineas and Ferb are so annoying! I can hear them now, gleefully plotting, knowing that no matter what they do, they won't get busted! Can't get busted! And you know what the worst part is?" **silence** "Stacy? Helloooo? Stacyyyyy?" Candace looked confusedly down at the phone, and after a shrug brought the receiver back to her mouth, to continue lamenting about the boys..."better than talking into a banana anyway."

Meanwhile at Stacy's-

Stacy laid asleep, sprawled on her bed, phone in hand, thumb in mouth-a teddy bear with a photo of Candace's face taped to it laying beside her.

Back at Phineas and Ferb's-

"Hey Phineas, whatcha doin?"

"Hey Isabella," wind began to build up behind Phineas as he puffed up his chest, preparing to speak, "today, Ferb and I embark on the greatest challenge we have yet to face in our young lives-"

Ferb muttered quitely, "Always a flair for the dramatic, this one." No one noticed, and Phineas went on.

"Today, we build...THE GREATEST THING EVER!"

"That, um, sounds a little vague Phineas..."

"Oh, Isabella, you're right-what do you think we should do today?"

Ferb looked incredulously at the pair of them, "I can't fucking believe this shit. Really? Really?"

"Well, the Fireside Girls and I have been talking about how great it would be to have our own mall..."

"It's settled then! Ferb, call Dolce-I'll take care of Gabana."

Meanwhile, at Baljeet's-

"Hey Baljeet, whatcha doin?" Buford asked, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"Buford, there has been a terrible crisis and I do not have time for your bullying today! I have much work to do, and little time to do it! Unless you would like me to get a B in Calculus III, and Gaenesha forbid-wind up going to community college-**he shuddered** then please, do not ask me 'what I am doing'," Baljeet looked down at his enormous stack of papers and his dog-eared textbook and then back at Buford-just then, an _inconvenient breeze_ blew away all of the nerds immaculately written notes, "Accckk, my life is hopeless!"

"At least you'll know someone at community college!" Buford smiled crookedly at his unlikely pal, "Now, c'mon 'Jeet! Phineas and Ferb are probably up to something awesome!"

"It is no use, no matter how hard I study-"

"Oh quit complainin'," and with that. Buford scooped Baljeet up into a fireman's carry and started toward the Flynn-Fletcher residence, "sorry 'Jeet, if I waited for you to stop wallowing in your misery, we'd be late."

"You act as if our days follow a set schedule"

"I'd call it more of a 'formula' really..."

As Buford opened the gate into the backyard, the small Indian squirming on his shoulder, he saw it-the most magnificently large shopping mall he's ever laid eyes on. But, no people were anywhere in sight.

"Put me down you neanderthal! There is math to be done!"

"No, I can't. See, we need to hurry because somebody insisted on having himself a melodramatic rant, they've gone and started without us-are you happy now?" Buford put Baljeet down, so he could see for himself.

"Oh-well, I guess we should try and catch up then?" Baljeet asked, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. Looking slightly frightened, he extended a meek, but hopeful, upturned palm to his bully (he knew that maintaining Buford's level headedness could be difficult, and he feared receiving a beating (even though, despite his chosen moniker of "bully" he rarely doled out any beatings))

"Baljeet? Hello? Earth to nerd!" Baljeet looked up at the flailing Buford, "Baljeet?"

"Oh, sorry, I lost myself in my inner monologue"

"Whatever, c'mon, we gotta catch up to the guys!" and with that Buford scooped up the nerd once more, and bum rushed the doors of the mall-which weren't exactly locked, or very heavy for that matter-so they collapsed, rather inelegantly, on the linoleum floors.

"Linoleum? I thought these guys were classier than that!"

Baljeet spoke up, somewhat breathless from the oversized middle-schooler crushing his diaphragm, "Every project has a budget, Buford."

"You can never stop thinking about math can you?" Buford asked in a serious tone, "you're gonna give yourself a stroke if you don't relax 'Jeet-remember, I worry about you."

Baljeet visibly blushed, "I think about things besides math-like being cool!" **Baljeet breaks into song "cool, cool, cool"**

"No. Absolutely not," and with that, Buford grabbed the singing boy, mid-choreographed dance step, and lumbered off.

"Seriously! Why does everyone get to sing except me?"

"Every project has a budget, Baljeet," Buford said, mockingly didactic, as a smirk spread across his face.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the mall-

Candace stomped into the dressing room, where Isabella stood admiring herself in the mirror. "Alright, where are they? You guys are soooo BUSTED!"

"Oh, hi Candace," Isabella looked over perplexedly at the teen who was practically frothing at the mouth, "the boys are over at the electronics store-if you, um, see Phineas, could you..."

"No time Isabella! I have busting to do," Candace growled as she pushed Isabella out of her way and stalked angrily toward the door.

"Oh, and Candace-"

"WHAT?"

"I just wanted to tell you the electronics store is one floor up and to the right."

"Oh, well," Candace forced a strained smile, "thank you."

Isabella rolled her eyes as Candace walked away, "Ugh, what a total...BITCH."

Candace entered the electronics store, huffing and puffing-"You boys are sooo busted! This is it! You're not going to get away with it this time! I am going to bust you guys if it's the last thing I do!"

Phineas looked up and very calmly said, "Really? I thought you'd be pretty happy to have a mall in the backyard. We even put a few stores in just for you!"

**Candace's thoughts: bust boys, must bust them. Bust, bust, bust! Jeremy. Bust. boys bust! bust! bust! BUST! JEREMY! Jeremy...busting?-why does that seem so intriguing? No time! Must bust the boys!**

"Oh, no, no, no! Don't think you can seduce me with the coolness of your projects! I am totally telling mom-get out of my way!" She grabbed a camcorder right out of Ferb's hands, "now I have proof! Oh, you guys are totally BUSTED!"

Phineas looked over at his sister with indignation in his eyes-"No, you know what Candace? Fuck you! All we ever try to do is be nice to you-with your crazy mood swings and insatiable need to get us in trouble. And, for what? You're never satisfied! What is "busting us" going to get you? All we do is try to have fun, and make summer more enjoyable for everyone-INCLUDING YOU! You know what you are?"

Ferb took this pause as an opportunity to chime in, "a filthy fucking snitch."

"Yeah! Hell yeah! Get out of here Candace! And go ahead, try and 'bust' us! It's worked so well for you before! Maybe we can share some pie later, you ungrateful cunt!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Phineas-I wanted to call her a cunt...cunt," Ferb said, staring daggers at Candace's dumbfounded face.

"Well, now I have two things to bust you for!" Candace shouted defiantly, after a quick recovery from the vicious tongue-lashing she'd just received, "Illegal construction and foul language!" Not even slightly dissuaded, Candace sauntered off, camera in hand, giggling evilly as she filmed the mall.

"We have all the necessary permits!" Phineas called defiantly after her.

A cashier, previously unseen, emerged from the back room, "Aren't you guys a little young to call your sister a cunt?"

"Yes, yes we are."

**Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated**

"...and that, Perry, is why I am going to torment THE ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA, with inconvenient breezes that will send their important paperwork...or maybe just some napkins...FLYING ALL OVER THE PLACE! It'll be so deliciously EEEVIL!"

Perry sat, totally trapped in an "evil" car seat, that Doofenshmritz said he'd designed himself. Perry was pretty sure he'd just added the metal spikes. Still reeling from another one of Heinz tediously long back stories, he began to plot his escape.

After unbuckling the safety restraint and easily leaving the car seat, Perry approached the unsuspecting Doofenshrmitz who was leaned over his latest -inator.

"You know, Perry the Platypus-you'd think I'd grow tired of constantly being foiled by a semi-aquatic black belt-but this little give-and-take you and I have, it's really the reason I get up each morning."

Perry paused, cement block in hand, angled over Doofenshmirtz unsuspecting head-then, he looked to his left and saw a photo of a young Heinz standing under a solitary rain cloud, while Roger smiled next to him, totally dry. Taking sympathy on the aptly named Doof, Perry instead settled on merely throwing the cement block to distract Doofenshmirtz, while he dismantled the device. **the block lands in a far corner**

"Ooh, what was that?" Doof said, gleefully skipping toward the noise, when all the sudden he stopped in his tracks with one eyebrow raised dubiously, "wait," as he turned around he saw Perry attempting to disable his inconvenient breeze-inator-"Perry, that was a cheap trick, trying to distract me like that! Shame on you Perry the Platypus! You will not thwart me today!"

And thusly, the two began a highly improbable inter-species brawl-"Is anyone else getting kind of a homo-erotic vibe in here?...Oh, no, just me? Okay, carry on then."

Just then, Perry's roundhouse kick turned the dial on the -inator from "light breeze" to "gust."

Meanwhile-

"Mom! Mom! Mom! Look, Phineas and Ferb built a mall in the backyard! You need to come home right now!"

"For the love of God Candace! Can't you get a hobby? Every day the same shit-over and over! Do we need to start taking you to a shrink? These paranoid delusions and violent outbursts have really been worrying me!"

"Mom! Mom! You don't understand, I have proof, look!" Candace played the video for her mother.

"So, you went and walked around the Googolplex Mall and filmed it?"

"No! No! Phineas and Ferb-" Candace started to explain, nearly short-circuiting with rage-then, suddenly, her shoulders went limp as she turned into a human puddle. Jeremy had just walked in to the supermarket.

"Oh, hi Jeremy," she cooed.

"Hey Candace!" and two walked away together.

"See, those are exactly the mood swings I'm talking about. That's not normal."

Recovering her wits, Candace turned around and grabbed Linda's arms in an attempt to forcibly drag her home. "And she's back-lovely," Linda irritatedly mused while being yanked away from her errands.

**cut to**

"CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"-as the doctor fell from his Ferb shaped balcony, the breeze-inator sent a powerful gust of wind toward the suburbs of Danville, "gee, I hope that doesn't have any unforeseen consequences for the residents of the TRI-STATE AREA!"

**now back to**

"And so I says to 'er I says-" Buford was cut off as all the sudden the massive structure behind the gang lifted off the ground and exploded mid-air, without a trace.

"Well, I guess we should have checked the weather before making the mall windmill powered-although I am glad we didn't go with the marble floors."

Just then, Candace bursted into the backyard, looking positively devious, "See Mom? I told you"

"Oh, hi boys!" Linda examined the backyard for anything astray. She turned to her daughter and sardonically exclaimed, "Yes, Candace, it appears they are at it again!"

**Perry enters, inconspicuously** "There you are Perry!"

"C'mon, who wants snacks?" The group followed Ms. Flynn Fletcher inside, with Candace, Phineas and Ferb trailing behind.

"Better luck next time sis," Phineas said, looking partially sympathetic, but mostly vindictive.

"Ugh!" Candace groaned as she stormed inside.

And Ferb says, "whatever, she's still a cunt."


End file.
